text by Steve Ward
illustrations by Anne Pace

Dear Psychic Fish,
Could you tell me what is in store for me in the month of February? I’m a pisces.
Lowanda, Mt. Vernon

Dear Lowanda,

You’ll get a Valentine’s Day card on the 14th, but it doesn’t matter because the next issue of this newsletter doesn’t come out until March and Erik might not even print this column due to space restrictions (yeah right, he always has room for Dave Sanford’s articles). If you are interested in astrology you’ve undoubtedly noticed that there are personality profiles associated with the signs of the zodiac.

Here at the Psychic Fish Network we recognize hundreds of thousands of personality types, each corresponding to a variety of fish. At present these cannot be determined by your date of birth or shoe size, but I can give you a few examples in hopes you that you might recognize...

What Kind of Fish You Are

Neon Tetra: If your fish sign is that of the Neon, you feel a need to fit in with a group and to wear bright colors (but only if they match those in your group). You feel no compulsion to express yourself as an individual. You occasionally have fainting spells.

Lionfish: You are a glutton. You are concerned only by your own well-being and would not hesitate to use deadly force to defend yourself. You enjoy taking advantage of others’ weaknesses but only if it benefits you and doesn’t involve too much exertion on your part.

Kuhli Loach: You live in your own little world and don’t mind wallowing in it. When you get a craving for something you’ll dig around until you find it. Otherwise you just look for a safe compact space in which to curl up and vegetate. If something upsets your mundane routine you will likely fly off the handle and cause a great deal of commotion, perhaps ending up on the floor.

Raphael Catfish: Beneath your tough exterior lies a very boring person. You prefer to just sit in a corner and meditate unless food is being served. The only exercise you get is while eating. You protest loudly when taken out of your environment.

Tiger Barb: You feel most confident when hanging out with your friends and have a tendency to pick on others, even if they are bigger than you.

Synodontis: You are an introvert. You eat too much and exhibit strange, almost inverted from normal, behavior. You often become restless during the night and go looking for a snack.

Guppy: You tend to pick at every little thing. You are indiscrete in your romantic affairs.

Kribensis: You are very concerned with your place of residence. Females of this sign go out of their way to look attractive and behave in such a way as to ingratiate themselves with a male who is well-situated (they can also be jealous of other females).

Hatchetfish: You are very insecure and always worrying that someone is out to get you (They are! Ha ha!). You panic too easily and are always wondering where your next meal is coming from. You dry up real quick on shag carpet.

Apistogramma: Your main concern is to settle down and raise a family in a nice neighborhood. Females prefer to be stay-at-home moms. Males feel a lot of pressure to provide for the family and are frequently nagged.

Bala Shark: You are sophisticated and carry yourself well. You are capable of reaching great heights but may appear aloof and insensitive. No one seems to understand you, so you don’t say very much.

Haplochromis: You like to have lots of room to move and can’t stand being cooped-up. Males like to have a big place and are constantly adding-on. Females are usually single moms and feel that they have sacrificed a lot raising children with no father around to support them or even watch the kids for one lousy hour while they get their hair done. They are consequently rather drab-looking.